Everything at once

My latest roller coaster

Best street art ever

It’s been nearly a month; I try not to go that long without sharing something.

What is there to say when the world feels like it’s falling apart?

Last week started on Monday with my jury duty case turning out to be a first degree murder trial. While I thankfully wasn’t picked for the jury, I still had to go through the rather harrowing questioning process.

I’ve always been vaguely annoyed by my mother’s ability to chat with anyone anywhere at all times. She’d strike up a conversation in the grocery line and delay our departure and the checkout process. She’d compliment or comment randomly to someone we passed and it would turn into an whole exchange. It drove me crazy as a kid.

Yet, perhaps it the likely-ADHD-that’s-highly-genetic, I find myself doing the same. It goes along with not being able to keep my mouth shut. So walking from the jury selection space to the courtroom, I complimented the woman next to me on her sweater and we laughed about the weather. Half an hour later, after we’d entered the courtroom and almost immediately been dismissed for lunch, I drove her to a nearby Panda Express where we chatted for an hour before she bought me a chai on our way back to the courthouse.

It’s nice to see the upside to my inability to silently brood.

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Sign outside a restaurant

The week ended with downright shitty news about my technically still temporary position at Northwestern. I’ve been training to take over as the program manager for our Public Health program, when the current manager steps into a more student-facing role. Thanks to - take a wild guess - funding freezes, her new role is unlikely to be approved before September, if even then. My temp appointment is up in June and there’s no word yet on if it’s easily renewable or not.

I’ve always hated limbo, both the game and the feeling. This position has been in the works since last September and I keep getting told to just hold on a bit longer. With the latest uncertainty, though, almost everyone is telling me it’s time for plan b.

This was my first ‘real’ position, after years of staying home with the kids, and I hit the jackpot with coworkers and environment. I don’t think I’m going to hit a jackpot twice. I’m still collecting information and weighing decisions, but it’s likely I’ll be job hunting in the next few months and that makes me want to cry.

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I love cloud fields

After I wrote about the revolving door of friendships and wondering if I was to blame, my dad pointed out to me that I’d recently reconnected with a childhood friend who was pregnant with her firstborn. It’s not only doors closing. They open and reopen too.

(That clashes with the revolving door metaphor, but you know what, places that have revolving doors have the other kind too.)

I spent the end of March and beginning of April visiting her in Houston, snuggling her 11-week old and laughing about old times. It felt good. It felt right. Honestly, I’ve been surprised how much I miss her and the baby since returning home.

Now Victoria and I and the kids are off to Phoenix to spend some time with my parents (and let the kids spend some time with their pool). I like - no, need - these moments of brightness both literal and metaphorical.

There’s even a good bit of sunshine at home, with spring finally feeling like it will carry through its promise of arrival. The kids spent three hours in the backyard on both the past two days and fell asleep easily and almost early both the past two nights.

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One might almost say my feelings will not be repressed

There’s a new singer I’ve discovered, Isabel Dumaa, and I’ve had her discography on repeat for a few weeks. My two favorites of hers are “Enough for You” and “Price of Getting Older” but the one that sticks in my head a lot recently is called “Everything at Once.” The opening:

I cry over spilled milk
I cry at the movies
I cry when I think that you're not listening to me
But I'm used to it by now

Wow. It’s almost like I wrote about this exact thing recently. The chorus nails it:

Tried to run but it's not helping
It's all way too overwhelming
What can I do if it's just my nature
To love too hard and give too much
Break my heart then have to patch it up
I'm growing tired of being someone
Who feels everything at once

I actually shared the song with Corinne and we commiserated about over-feeling. The first bridge starts “When every raindrop feels like a storm; when every small fight feels like a war” and I swear I’ve rarely felt so seen.

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They’re just such pretty books

Some of you might remember my discovery of India Holton, the author that introduced me to historical romance and set off a hyperfixation that’s a year and a half long and still going strong. Last week, in between jury duty and bad job news, I picked up my preorder of her latest book, which she describes as a cross between Anne of Green Gables and Twister. I am trying to pace myself through The Geographer's Map to Romance since she won’t have another new release until next year.

But speaking of feeling seen…

Gabriel glared at the church farther along the street as they continued toward it. He clearly did not want conversation, but if Elodie had ever found an off switch within herself, she’d lost it again long ago.

Yeah. That. As the youngsters say (do they?), it me.